he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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