Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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