Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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