i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
