Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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