duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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