6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
