You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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