OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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