Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
