just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
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I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
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The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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