Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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