I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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