My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
