this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
