I hope mine doesn't look like that
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
