: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
