i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
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I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
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i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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