I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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