you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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