My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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