I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
