Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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