Soap is not a condiment
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
