There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
