OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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