Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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