Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
