O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
