someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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