Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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