He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
