I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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