I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
