Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
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I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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