I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
