So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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