I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
