I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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