I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
