If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
