my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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