you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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