i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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