Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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