he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
