Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize