So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
