I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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