If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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