dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
