Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
