got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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