I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So squirting runs in the family.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
