Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
