Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
