I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
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When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
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I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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