So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
