maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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