i think i have herpe
just one?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
