after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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